Thursday, July 4, 2013

What The Fuck Is A Narwhal?!

Hey Internet: 

I have a confession. 

Yeah, I know you must get these a lot. Some are shot anonymously into comments sections. Some are tossed into our discourse by trolls. And some are scrawled in cramped handwriting onto homemade postcards and sent off to Germantown, Maryland. 

But here's one more to toss onto the ever-growing pile: 

I'm obsessed with narwhals. 

Shut up, I'm serious.

 Look at them.


Narwhals are amazing. They look unreal. They look like mythical creatures. Seriously, if Game of Thrones doesn't end with Daenerys Targaryen storming Westeros on the back of a narwhal I will be very disappointed.

But maybe I'm getting ahead of  myself here. 

Let's start with the basics. 

I'm a woman.

 I'm 28. 

I'm a writer.

I'm bisexual. 

I'm in love with a man. We've been together almost four years. We live together. 

I'm still a woman, still 28, still writing. But people seem to think that I'm no longer bisexual. 

Why is this? Is it because I don't "look bisexual/queer?"

What does that even look like? Is it this?

It's frustrating having to define myself in this way. "Bisexual but in a monogamous cisgender relationship with a straight guy."


So many words. 

Try Googling that when you're looking for other people in the same boat. It's not fun.

A friend said I refer to myself as a unicorn. And don't get me wrong, unicorns are great.

But queers have already adopted the unicorn as the de facto mascot. Unicorns are in the mainstream. 

Don't believe me?

Fucking gay unicorns were on Glee.

Gay unicorn cheerleader. I rest my case. 

Which brings me to narwhals.

But why narwhals? 

I I ruled a country, this would be the flag.

They're hard to explain. 

They're unusual. They're misunderstood. 

They're like the unicorns of the sea. 

Some people don't think they exist. These people are idiots because, obviously, narwhals are everywhere. 

Even some unicorns don't believe in narwhals, which is bananas. 

I mean, you're a unicorn! You poop fairy dust!

Is it really that far out of the realm of possibility that you could have a horned cousin swimming around the ice caps?

Get it together, unicorns!

So for now, instead of referring to myself as a "BBIAMCRWASG", I'm just gonna call myself a narwhal.

You are all welcome to join my pod. Yeah, packs of narwhals are called pods. Deal with it. 

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